The Eye of the World (a parody)

Warning to my mom: this story contains mild language.

Rider in black: …
Rand : Eeeeek!
Tam: What the…?
Rand : I'm not crazy!
Tam: You're not my son, either.
Rand : What?
Tam: Oh, nothing…

Mat: Hey, Rand and Perrin, does that bird on the roof there remind you of anyone?
Bird: …
Rand: *throws pebble*
Bird: *flies off*
Rand: Now we're safe.
Mat: There's some rich lady in town. Let's see if we can find a way to sneek a peek at her boobs!
Perrin: Mat, you always were the best with women.
Moiraine: *looks Rand, Mat and Perrin up and down*
Three strong boys, eh? I may need something from you…
Mat: *silly grin*
Moiraine: Tell me your dreams.
Rand: Why? I'm not crazy!
Moiraine: The wheel weaves as the wheel wills…
Lan: Something stinks.
Mat: Smeller's the feller. *giggles*
Trolloc: Boo! Roooooar!
Moiraine: *shoots fireball*
Trolloc: Sizzle!
Boys: *jaws drop, stare at Moiraine in horror*
Moiraine: You have to come with me now.
Egwene: I'm coming too!

Ba'alzamon: Serve me!
Rand: No!
Mat: No!
Perrin: No!
Ba'alzamon: What do you guys think of my CG effects? I had them done at Weta! *fire whooshes from eyes and mouth*
Rand: I've seen better.
Ba'alzamon: *gives Rand a wedgie*

Rand: What a crazy dream! Wait…why is my underwear clear up to my ears?
Mat: Yours too?
Rand and Mat: *look at Perrin*
Perrin: I don't wear underwear…

Lan: There are about 2 million Trollocs and Fades behind us.
Nynaeve: Well, then let's get going, studly. *tugs braid*
Lan: Where did you come from?
Nynaeve: I followed your trail.
Lan: You …tracked…me??? Yeah, right.
Trollocs: Here we come!
Moiraine: Hurry, we can escape by going into this dead city that is built of pure evil!

Mat: Rand, Perrin, let's go get into some trouble.
Mordeth: Help me carry this treasure and I'll give you some!
Mat: Ok!
Mordeth: Just follow me into this very dark room waaaaay under ground…
Boys: Ooooooh! Shiny stuff!
Mat: I'll just sneak this dagger into my pocket…
Mordeth: Don't you think that I'm creepy?
Rand: Well, now that you mention it…you are stretching out all thin and wispy like right in front of our eyes.
Perrin: Run away!

Moiraine: Where the hell have you been…and Mat, what are you doing under your cloak?
Mat: *stops stroking dagger*
Lan: *bursts in* The trollocs are here! Everyone stick together and don't touch the fog. *everyone rides off in a different direction*
Lan: Shit!

Nynaeve: *sneaking up to Lan and Moiraine's campsite*
Moiraine: Nynaeve, get your ass out here!
Nynaeve: You dragged us all out here, almost got us killed, and lost the kids…I'll get even with you as soon as I can channel at will! *tugs braid*
Lan: Damn, she's hot when she's angry! I'd like to tug that braid… *winks at Nynaeve*
Moiraine: Oh, get a room.

Perrin: Hey, Egwene, let's wander north on our own. I'm sure the rest of them will catch up to us.
Egwene: Maybe we'll meet some hot guys along the way!
Perrin: But, I thought you and Rand…
Egwene: Oh. Yeah.

Rand: Hey! There's a boat!
Thom: Well, what are you waiting for?
Mat: When did you get here? T
hom: I've been here pretty much the whole time. Now, get on the damn boat!
Perrin: Hey, look! Wolves!
Elyas: I'm not a wolf…or am I?
Wolves: Hi, Perrin.
Perrin: Get out of my head!
Wolves: Here come some people in really bright clothes.
Perrin: They're like ten feet away. Thanks for the warning.
Tinkers: We're loking for this song…
Aram: Hey, Egwene. Wanna make out?
Egwene: ok.
Perrin: But, I thought you and Rand…
Egwene: Put a cork in it!
Tinker girls: Watch us dance Perrin!
Perrin: Must…not…watch…sexy…bodies…writhing…

Rand: Hey, Inkeeper. Have you seen a big, hairy guy with golden eyes, and a really hot girl? Or how about an Aes Sedai and her Warder?
Thom: Nice and subtle, Rand.
Inkeeper: *kicks them out*
Mat: I bet that guy's a darkfriend.
Myrddral: Speaking of darkfriends…tada!
Rand and Mat: Eeeeek!
Thom: Geez you sissies. Here, take my stuff and run away, since that's all you seem to be good for.
Myrddral: Bring it on old man. *giant blue flash*

Egwene: We left the Tinkers days ago. How much further, Elyas?
Elyas: Not far now.
Ravens: Peeeeeeeerrin…where aaaaaaaaaaare yoooooooooou?
Elyas: Shit! Run!
All: *suddenly shiver*
Ravens: No fair going into a stedding!
Whitecloaks: Stedding won't keep us out. You guys are obviously darkfriends, so we're gonna kill you.
Perrin: I might as well take a couple of you with me. *kills two whitecloaks*
Whitecloaks: We were just BS-ing.
Perrin: Oh…
Whitecloaks: Well, now we have to kill you. We'll just leave you in this unguarded tent until we decide how.
Lan: I'm here to rescue you!

Mat: *whispering* I love you, little dagger. I'm going to stroke you and keep you in my pocket and…
Rand: Holy shit! Look at the size of that ruby!
Mat: Mine! *hisses*
Rand: Ok, ok! Sheesh!
Mat: Everybody is a darkfriend…they all want my dagger, and to kill me.
Rand: *plays flute*
Mat: *juggles*
Inkeeper: Here is a dark, smelly cellar with only a tiny window and one door…uh, I mean your room. *closes door*
Rand: I know you're still standing out there.
Gode: Actually, it's me.
Mat: Are you a darkfriend?
Gode: Uh….no?
Mat: Yeah, right.
*cellar explodes in fantastic burst of light*
Mat: I'm blind!
Rand: I'm sick!
Darkfriends: We're gonna get you!
Passing Farmer: This story is getting way too long and boring. Get in, I'll give you a ride, and we can move on with it.
Rand: I feel better now.
Mat: You were faking to get me to sell my dagger!
Loial: You're a cranky little buggar, arent you.
Rand: What the hell are you?
Loial: I'm an ogier.
Moiraine: He's going to help us find our way through The Ways.
Loial: I'm what?
Moiraine: The wheel weaves as the wheel wills…
Rand: I do not think that means what you think it means.

Rand: Will you teach me how to use my sword, Lan?
Lan: First, let's see what you already know.
Rand: *stabs himself in the foot*
Lan: Oh, brother. Ok, then. Rule number one: always practice as naked as possible.
Lan and Rand: *strip to their underwear and start hitting eachother with sticks*
Nynaeve: *drools*
*stick fighting continues for about five minutes*
Lan: And that's everything I know.
Moiraine: Heigh ho, heigh ho, into the Blight we go…
Lan: The Blight is full of dangerous and deadly creatures…
*a ladybug lands on his sleeve*
Lan: Aaaaaahhh!
*flails sword about wildly*
*ladybug flies off*
Lan: See what I mean? *to Nynaeve* I almost died there you know…
Moiraine: Here's the Eye of the World.
Mat: Uh, this is a puddle.
Aginor: *jumps from behind bush* Ah-ha!
Balthamel: *jumps from behind bush* Boo!
Moiraine: How did you get here?
Forsaken: We followed Mat.
Moiraine: *glares at Mat*
Jolly Green Giant: Ho ho ho… *grabs the Forsaken and squashes them*
Moiraine: Gee, thanks!
Jolly Green Giant: *leaves*

Ba'alzamon: I will kill everyone!
Rand: Not if I cut this black thingy sticking out of you!
Ba'alzamon: Noooooo! *dies*
Moiraine: I found this box in that puddle.
Rand: Well, are you gonna open it?
Moiraine: *opens box, hands horn to Mat*
Here, you hang onto this…Holy shit! What is that behind you Rand?
Rand: *turns*
Moiraine: *stuffs dragon banner into Rand's saddlebag*